Leah

It's decided. I'm not going back to school. Instead I'm going to fly back to America and go on a Kerouac persuite across America to find myself. Surely there's more to like than paties and getting trashed and I plan to find out what that exactly is.

Hopefully I'll be able to find people that I know all across the nation and meet up with them. I often wonder how people are doing. I think I'll need a little money to get started but not too much. A licence is also an issue but I've been driving trashed friends home since I was 14 so I can't be that bad at it.

Now to plan my escape from London Town and do so fast. I can't wait to be on my own in a strange variety of places. I was never meant to be English and I would be so happy to go back to the only place I think I'll ever feel at home. I understand Americans, I get it over there. The English ware me out - their ideals and complicated social structure doesn't make me happy. It's all sort of twisted over there and everyone is just looking for some way to be seen in the right place with the right people as opposed to being genuine and honest. Now I'm not saying all American's are genuine or honest by any means, but I feel like the only genuine and honest people that I've met have been there. I've gotten myself all curled up in a weird fantastic web of idiots and posers desparate to feel origional by grasping hopelessly at past 'hep' generations.

So stressed man! Ahhhhhhh boys why god why?

I'm going to live though. For me it's over and thats the end of it. I read things maybe I shoulden't have (nut case?) but I know now that it'll be okay. Atleast I know that I'm not the - as he put it "only one in his eyes". Bullshit.

I was a grade A idiot and thats a fact. But although it hurts me more than anything and I feel like jumping from the tallest building in Paris I'm not going too. I'm sure theres something or someone out there for me and just because it isn't who I want it to be doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

I just wish it were all different and that we lived in some beautiful existance where people could be with who they wanted and the world didn't matter. But it's not like that and I guess I've finally learned that. I guess, while I'm being so overly optimistic in my stoned state, I could go so far as to say that this relationship was a good thing because it taught me that all important lesson that believing in someone and caring about them beyond all reasonable doubt doesn't mean that they'll ever feel the same way about you.

Now if I were smart I would have learned this from playing The Sims non stop but I'm not that smart.

I guess the next step is to tell him that it's all over. As none of these feelings have anything to do with anything he said to me directly - only a biproduct of my own investigation work (with my trusty sidekick watson of course) I supose that was the only crazy way that I'd ever be able to see this kid for what everyone else I know sees him as; A manipulative opertunist.

Has this four months been just a blur? Was it not just last week I met him? Did I really waste all this time dwelling on such a pathetic and blind emotion?

Jesus H. Christ have I gone soft? Did I really let someone else know how I feel without a hefy portion of lies and smiles?

I guess thats what hurts the most. The one time I let my guard down. The one person who I was crazy about and honestly believed in. The one kid that could make me smile no matter what - was the one who could hurt me more than anything. Just like I hurt so many other people with my careless disreguard for their feelings in order to benifit my own situation.

Karma karma karma camelion.

It's snowing! Whoo yeah!

I've seen snow once since moving to London almost four years ago. I think I'll go walk Gracie.

Oooo I'm seething with jealous rage. I hate feeling like shit just because I let my curiosity run wild and read things that I already knew were there. It hurts man! I hate this nonsense. I must be a complete fucking nutter because if I don't feel like the only one then I see no reason in continuing such persuites. However I continue to skip down this path of inevitible (sp?) destruction without any meens of stopping in the near future.

The worst of it is that I know it's 100% my fault for doing so! Yet I can't stop myself, I keep skipping merrily ignoring all these obvious signs of trouble. Like I'm blindfolded or something. I don't even know this person and yet I would rightly kill her on sight if I were to run into her somewhere. She hasen't even done anything wrong, just played into the hands of the same idiot that I have. I've turned into an idiot! I could have been with someone kind and loving instead I chose the only person on this planet who could make me act like this. Like a total nutter! I don't need all of this uncertinty.

I guess he must be the only idiot on this planet to make me quiet and docile instead of loud and controling. I've never had this feeling of wanting someone else to be in my life before. I'm always in charge and totally cofident with myself but around him I'm like this mousey doating idiot. I look back on situations I've been in and wanted to scream at myself for being that kind of weak quiet girl that I have hated my whole life. Is this love? If it's meant to be like this I don't want it - but can't get rid of it. I feel so wonderful around him yet I'm never myself. Never the Leah that I know - loud, rude, crass. Always akward and lacking in confidence. I feel like I'm not good enough I guess in a way - not for him or anything - but just in gerneral. And so when I finally find someone that I care about so much I start to second guess myself and wonder what I'm doing being the way I am. I start feeling like I'm standing wrong, or dressed wrong, or acting wrong. Like I've done everything wrong I guess.

After reading through this I'm starting to wonder if this is worth it at all. Yet I know that the second I get a message or call from him I'll float into the sky and resume my idiocy once again.

Silly Leah when will you grow up?

Back in black baby. I'm so glad I got rid of my blond hair it's unreal. I feel like (stupid as it may sound) by dying my hair I've kind of made way to getting rid of this horrible person that I was becoming - or am becoming - or whatever.

I'm all confuseled about boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever. I feel like I should just go off and be on my own or go somewhere completely different and new to try and change my current situation but something unexplainable draws me back to fawning over this kid who is so erratic in behaviour that it would drive Jesus to the point of suicide. What do they want? When will it be decided and clear? I want answers damnit! Action! Movement! Anything.

Even worse I feel like I can be honest only when writing on this stupid thing. I'm sick of being secretive - having to twist and create just to keep everyone happy. I feel like pouring everything out and just being honest but know that isn't possible and understand the reprecussions of my actions far too late into this situation to rectify the issues at hand. Blah. Ugh. Bah-humbug.

Anyway I am going to keep believing that it'll work out eventually and though this belief I'm hoping it'll become truth. Have I done this before? I feel this situation has a notion of de ja vou. Or however the fuck you spell it.

Bug me on myspace! http://www.myspace.com/leahitswhatsfordinner

Another slew of misunderstandings and trouble. I'm glad I'm away from it all in France but know I'll have to go back to it soon. I think I might move to Miami. A little sunshine never hurt anyone - bar the cancer aspect.

I just don't understand boys or men or whatever their called at my age. I thought they were serpost to be simple and partially brain dead? I've discovered otherwise. I wonder if I am destined to continue on the path of only loving myself forever, I guess I could be in love with ugly-er people than myself *scoff*.

You ever got the feeling that you wanted to punch a random person in the face just because? I've been feeling like that alot and I don't know if it's the drugs or booze or whatever but basically I'm becoming a violent person all over again. Eh I supose it could all be worse I could be fucking freezing in the middle of nowhere for christs sake!! ... Oh wait a minute, I AM.

When I was a kid I coulden't wait to be eightteen I thought I would have this amazing life and now that I'm getting closer to that dredful age I am only filled with regret and confusion! It's gotten worse and more complicated as time has moved on. I didn't think that my life could excell any father past the point of bizzarness after my childhood - but now it's just getting strange. However it's never gotten strange enough for me yet.

Life eh?

I feel like my whole life I'm always going to be second best. What a drag man, just when you think everything is going well and you coulden't be happier it comes around and kicks you in the head. Blah I am bored of being sad about boy. I'm boring myself.

Anyway a Bob Dylan documentary is on now so I'll go cheer myself up then.

Boring boring bordem. Bordem boring boring.

Update:

1) I fucking hate looking after people and will proceed to shoot myself should I ever be put in a 'house-keeping' situation ever again.

2) Raceing in a sail boat during Cowes week was one of the most terrorfying situations I have ever been in. Fours hours of an ever increasing chance of drowning or being crushed by a 37.5 foot sail boat isn't fun. At all.

3) I don't think I have ever worked this hard in my entire life, and I never plan to again.

4) Sailors might be good looking. However they are dumb and in most cases very drunk/snobby which is boring and disappointing.

5) I can't spell at all today.

Ohhh yeah - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is almost downloaded! I can't wait - it's super nerdy but I've read such good things about it.

Anyway a day full of fighting with family as well as birthday fun for CJ (HAPPY BIRTHDAY CJ!!! WHOO!)

I'm a little tired of being the family scapegoat. I mean if the kitchen isn't clean it ends up being my falt, If my Stepdad is in a bad mood - obviously it's me whos caused the anguish. Why not? I'm the loudest so why not blame the loudest for everones problems? I also caused the Cat to get fleas by the way - WITH MY MIND POWERS.

Enough. I'm bored and tired and need to do something constructive before I explode. I'm not sure if I should return to France after visiting the Isle of Wight. I mean I don't see much point in coming back to France - perhaps even ever again - but then I will sort of feel left out of bad about not coming to see my Mom. Then again Thomas doesn't seem very fond of my company, and Mom just goes along with what Thomas has to say - so perhaps my presence will be best served elsewhere. I don't know. I'm shocking myself by wanting to go back to school in order to keep my mind(s?) on other less important issues like coursework and exams.

Argg! Enough Leah! Stop!

I'm going to try and think about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory until it's ready to be downloaded.

Actually strike that, I think I might pity Tom Felton for a while.

Off to the Isle of Wight on Friday. I’m going to be working in a little hotel for a week, then spending a week watching yachts and hopefully visiting Amazon World (Whoo!) I was kind of iffy about it in terms of what there would be to do there – prior to being invited on this trip I thought it was just an island for a prison go figure – but now that I’ve read about all the things to do there I’m really quite looking forward to it! I didn’t realize that Cowes week (or however it’s spelt) was such a big deal either, but apparently 80,000 spectators turn up which will be wild considering the Isle of Wight is only about 28 miles long.

Anyway I am currently suffering from a terrible summer-cold thing which sucks. I feel like death warmed up and wish that LemSip was sold here. So ill, yet it’s nice out (or was earlier).

Tomorrow is CJ’s birthday – Me and the kids have made her something which actually turned out pretty cool but I think that I’ll be buying her a present when I get paid anyway.

I just had the weirdest conversation:

Mari: "I know where you hide your pimps" *devilish grin*

Me: "Huh? What do you mean my 'pimps'? What pimps?"

Mari: "Your pimps! Pimps! I know where you hid them" *begins laughing*

Me: *tottally confused* "Uhm. . . Mari do you know what a pimp is?"

Mari: *thinks a moment* "Yeah, they're kinda like Jaffa cakes only french."

Pims are an over-priced type of chocolate biscut I bought the other day and hid piggishly.

I've cut the side of my mouth quite deep somehow - right in the corner. It hurts so much and now it's kind of infected. So I've sprayed a paper towel with this alcohol based Echinacea spray and tucked it into the corner of my mouth in order to clean it. It's so painful that I can't even describe.

Anyway I am going to try and internet-it-up in order to forget about this terrible pain.

You know that your intelligence is dwindling when you and your little sister start drawing hilter mustaches on unsuspecting sleeping family members in order to overcome extreme boredom.

We even took pictures.

Jesus, more fucking bombs in London again. Apparently there were three on the tube and one on a bus. Luckily only one person was hurt so I guess it’s much smaller than before.

Still I’m beginning to get a little worried about traveling when I get back home from holiday if this is going to become a regular occurrence.

If I’m honest though, I doubt it’ll affect how much I go on buses or trains in London. Considering I live there and don’t drive, getting around would be impossible plus I think to myself – why should I stop wandering around at leisure just because of a few crazy guys with bombs? I think it'll defeat the purpose of living in London.

My little sister Maeve just said to me - completely randomly: "I used to know a kid named Mohat and he used to walk around saying 'Whaaant-Waaant' (Meaning what) really loudly!"

Today’s been a day of nerdy sadness, as I’ve finished the Half Blooded Prince and feel a little upset that I indulged myself and read it all in like a few days or however long. When you finish a good book that you’re really into disappointment always looms.

So I was talking a lot with Jesse about the plot – We’ve both come up with some rather compelling theories about what’s to come in the seventh book. I am becoming (or already am) a big, lame, Harry Potter psycho. Luckily for me there’s entire websites dedicated to super-Harry Potter- Nerds like myself, and I plan to visit them for the rest of the evening and drone over the entire book!

But what does it all mean Basil?

I just finished the book and cried my eyes out for like ten minutes, now I feel like such a loser. It's heart breaking at the end. I'll try not to spoil it for the slow readers out there, but while the ending didn't come as a complete shock, I still really didn't want it to happen at all.

However I think the plots been left open for a really fucking good book seven, but I have the feeling that Harry is going to die for certain. If you think about it, it's the only way the books can actually end with any dignity. A lot of reviews have been really split but in my opinion it's a kids book when it comes down too it and critics expect it to be something it's not. I mean it's a fictional book about a magical world; it's hardly going to perfect or philosophical. Still I think it's one of the most entertaining and compelling series of books ever written.

Anyway I am going to go and mope for a few hours and try not to think about it.

Today is the worst day of my entire life.

The fucking bastard pigging Post-woman didn't show up meaning I didn't get the Harry Potter book and am now comtemplating suicide.

I wish I never bothered coming on holiday, all it's brought is stress, miserable memories and no fucking Harry Potter to be seen. France is by far one of the most imcompetent, useless countries I have ever had the mistake of visiting. You know what makes it all even worse? I even hate visiting my mom. All she does is drink, remind me how much she 'Hates Me' as well as what a terrible bad person I am.